11, not 2

Read on my website​

Dear Reader,

What is the key to a lasting, fulfilling relationship?

That is a question I think I’ve found a good direction regarding. I recently received a handwritten letter from a person I admire a lot, and she wrote:

Initially, I didn’t think much of it. I was like, “Oh, right, yeah. Makes sense.” But now that I’ve gotten some time to think about this, it’s profound.

When one is in a relationship, it is very appealing to try to make the other person just like them. Or vice versa: to try to become like the other person.

Why not? Wouldn’t it be better if both people in the relationship had the same interests, goals, and ways of living?

Perhaps.

But in order to become like the other, one would have to lose parts of themselves. This is what leads to “I did __ for you, I sacrificed __ for you.” Even if it doesn’t come to that, in some time, you definitely begin to question who you are as an individual.

We all have a duty to flourish. But if there’s nothing you’re working towards, if you don’t have individual goals, things you’re pursuing, things that drive you and give you a reason to wake up every day, you don’t really have a way to flourish.

This trait of pursuing something is not only attractive but is also a key to a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

You work hard to become the best version of yourself because you know that your partner deserves the best. This is important not just for your relationship with your partner, but also for your relationship with yourself. You cannot truly love someone else if you don’t love yourself. That journey of loving yourself and becoming your best self is filled with goals—some personal, some professional, and some others.

If you are already in a relationship, don’t ask your partner to become like you, or don’t change yourself too much to become like your partner. Be warned, though: you should definitely get rid of your bad habits and help your partner become a better person. But “better” is subjective. Help them live healthier, achieve their goals, and be happier. But not by the means of “do everything as I say.” That is the highway to end a relationship.

Become 1 and 1 = 11, not 2.

I hope this gave you something interesting to think about. I’ll see you next week.

Warmly,
Suraj

If you'd like to hear more from me, here's my YouTube channel where I share lessons, experiments, tools, and resources to make life just a little better.