Dear Reader, Suraj here –
How does one determine one’s self-worth? How does one decide how to feel about oneself? One possible way of doing so could be: based on reference groups. Let me explain.
As a kid in middle school, I only needed a Nokia 3310 to feel like I was on top of the world. However, with the introduction of newer phones and a new reference group (I had moved to the capital of Nepal), that didn’t feel enough. In the capital, people had better phones, better clothes, and some of them even had really good motorbikes. So naturally, I began to feel like I needed those things to feel adequate. That was phase two. Now I’m in what is considered to be the greatest city in the world: New York. With the new place, my reference group has shifted drastically. I now feel like I need so much more to feel better about myself.
It has been a similar experience in terms of career and skillset. Back home, I felt like a high school superstar. I had founded a blog which was profitable enough to cover a lot of my major expenses. I was also skilled at a bunch of things. These two things for a high schooler in Nepal were a very rare thing. That explains a lot of my overconfidence during that time. Then I opened LinkedIn, and boy, did it drop my confidence. Kids younger than me had been doing so much more than I could even think of. Some of them were even launching businesses that were doing very, very well.
Because of LinkedIn, my reference group changed again. Now I was no longer measuring my capacity and accomplishments based on other Nepali high schoolers; I was now exposed to the international stage. Good thing? Kind of. The answer is slightly more complicated than binaries because if I had not found out what people outside my circle were doing, I would’ve definitely been happier and more confident, but I would have never learned what was possible for someone my age to achieve. That is my new reference group: people my age who are doing incredible things.
But using such a method of self-worth determination comes with a cost of intense feelings of inadequacy. How does one tackle this?
The answer: baseline reference point.
What does that even mean? What it means is that one should not forget where one has come from. As we have discussed previously in this newsletter, everyone has unfair advantages. The circumstances for everyone are not the same. We all have different things to tackle and overcome, and that makes a lot of difference. So when you do pursue greatness in your career and reach for the most incredible of possibilities, do not lose sight of everything you’ve had to overcome. Keep a success diary.
Do not, however, let this baseline reference point make you complacent. Do not be like, “Oh, if only I had the resources and access s/he has, I could’ve done so much better. So I just can’t do those things.” Do not do this. Instead, recognize that, yes, others may have advantages that set them ahead of the game, but you, too, can accomplish anything you want.
Find your balance. Pursue greatness, but never, ever, forget where you came from. Use that to strengthen yourself and not forget all that you’ve accomplished already. This, my friends, is very important.
I will see you next week. Take care.
Warmly,
Suraj
If you'd like to hear more from me, here's my YouTube channel where I share lessons, experiments, tools, and resources to make life just a little better.
