On trying to be someone else

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Hey Reader,

I am especially sensitive to pretentious people.

Over the years, I've told at least a dozen juniors some version of the same thing: you don't have to act like something you're not.

But I think I owe them more than that line.

Because they aren't pretending for fun. They're trying to build a life and they don't know how. So they do the logical thing. They find someone whose life they admire and try to copy it. The way they speak. The things they say they care about. The way they carry themselves.

It isn't dishonesty. It's just a rough attempt at figuring out who to become.

I did the same thing.

My version of figuring out who I wanted to be was a long series of experiments. Most of them didn't work. Some of them I'd rather not revisit. But every now and then, something stuck.

What I eventually figured out is that the process isn't the problem. Trying to emulate people you admire is fine. The problem is when you forget that's what you're doing.

The people who find themselves through that process are aware that what they're doing is an experiment, not a commitment. They're testing something, not becoming it permanently. That awareness makes all the difference.

The other thing that helped me was feedback. Not the vague kind. Not "that seems off" or "that's a good look for you." The kind where you ask someone you actually trust: why? Why does this not feel like me? Why does this work?

That question does more than any amount of self reflection on its own. You cannot always see yourself clearly from the inside.

You will figure out a lot of this on your own over time. Most people do. But awareness and honest feedback are the two things that made the process faster for me.

I wish someone had told me that earlier, instead of just saying don't pretend to be someone you're not.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

See you next week.

Warmly,
Suraj

If you'd like to hear more from me, here's my YouTube channel where I share lessons, experiments, tools, and resources to make life just a little better.