Dear Reader, Suraj here –
I don’t consider myself a very religious person. This is not to say that I don’t believe in God, because I do. The intricate balance of the universe, the existence of all the things beyond the grasp of human comprehension, and the existence of awareness and life itself are fascinating. A major part of my believing in God is also faith that is just present in me.
What I struggle with, however, is the concept of religion.
The one-liner would be that I think there is one true God, and all the religions are simply different ways of praying to the same God. That would be the one-liner, but the situation is more nuanced, and the struggles that come with it are even more nuanced.
I was born into a Hindu family, so that did automatically make me a Hindu, but growing up, I was never restricted to being only a Hindu. In fact, for as long as I can remember, I have not prayed to one specific God or Goddess out of the 330 million Hindu Gods and Goddesses; I have prayed only to the God. (Sidenote: It is true, Hindus have 330 million Gods.)
But how did it get to that? Why did I pray to the God rather than to Lord Ram, Lord Krishna, Lord Shiva, Lord Hanuman, or some other Hindu God or Goddess?
It was primarily, I think, because of the way I was brought up. Since both my parents were and are teachers (alongside farmers), they’ve taught students of multiple faiths. Because they have been teaching for over 30 years now, as a child, I met a lot of their students who visited us often. I got close to them in a way. This led me to not just understand the way they see life, but also, in some sense, try their faith. Going to the mosque with them was one of the many things I did. As a young child, I think, besides Hinduism, I was closest to Islam because of those students.
When I moved to Birgunj (Nepal) to begin my schooling, one of my two best friends became Taran, who is a Sikh (aka Punjabi). Spending time with him and getting to know his family brought me closer to Sikhism. I ended up spending multiple weekends participating in Seva (service) at a Gurudwara (a Sikh house of worship). I would help in their langar (community kitchen), cleaning, and other tasks. It was a very fulfilling experience. So until middle school, besides Hinduism, I was closest to Sikhism.
Then, during high school, I used to pass by a building while walking to school, and I always wondered what that building was all about because I had seen people in formal dresses meeting once or twice a week. So one day, out of nowhere, I decided to go check. That was my first encounter with Christianity. It wasn’t exactly a church because the people there were Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW, which is one of many Christian denominations that don’t have churches). Even though I didn’t know anyone there, I didn’t feel out of place. They were studying and discussing the Bible together, and somehow, joined in smoothly. There, I got close to a guy named Jerry (that I’m still in touch with). I ended up spending multiple weekends attending their Bible Study groups. They were an amazing group of people. Even during COVID, I attended a few meetings online. So, during high school, besides Hinduism, I was closest to Christianity.
I’ve also found peace in multiple instances in life with Buddhism. Lumbini (the birthplace of Lord Buddha) is one of the few places that I’ve gone to more than a couple of times, and most of these times have been on my own. Being there and meditating alongside Buddhists has been a peaceful experience. I haven’t yet been able to participate in a Vipassana retreat, but it is something I plan on doing in the near future. A Vipassana retreat is a 10-day silent meditation retreat where the goal is to focus on one’s own mind and meditate for over 10 hours a day without speaking at all, and definitely no technology for the entire 10-day period. So besides Hinduism, I’ve also been close to Buddhism for some time.
I’ve been using the “besides Hinduism” at the end of every paragraph because Hinduism is what I was born into, and because of my family’s faith, I have heavily participated in Hindu rituals. Going to temples, praying, serving, and respecting have always been there as a Hindu. I’ve even walked for over 100 kilometers (over 62 miles) to get to Baba Dham, which is a Hindu temple dedicated to Lord Shiva. A major part of the ritual involves carrying Ganga water from Sultanganj to the temple located in Deoghar, Jharkhand, India. Some people take a bus or car, but it is believed that the better, more rewarding way is to take the 100-kilometer walk. So I’ve done that too. I’ve also done religious performances on a theatre stage in front of over 1,000 people from my village.
All of this context is to establish the point that, even as a young adult, I’ve been exposed to and have participated in multiple religions and beliefs. But what I’ve struggled with is my own acceptance of it. My only belief has been what I started this piece with: there is one true God. This belief has never changed, and I’m certain it isn’t going to change.
But I have, however, realized that I cannot build my life with just this belief. As I continue to grow, I will need to be firmer in my faith. In fact, I will want to do that. This will not only bring me a community, but also hope and spiritual guidance from something far superior to what I can come up with on my own. It isn’t just that, but also the fact that, for quite some time now, I’ve felt like something’s missing. I don’t know what exactly, but I know something is missing, and it could be a firmer faith (or not). In some sense, I feel like I’m in search of God, the one true God.
Would this imply that my religion might change? Possibly, or possibly not. Yes, I was born into a Hindu family, and I am a Hindu, but before a Hindu, I’m a child of God. And the way I choose to pray, I think, is not as important as whether or not I pray and do good in the world.
Now, I know my brother and my sister, and many other members of my family (alongside over 1,000 other people) read this newsletter. When they learn of these ideas of mine, they will certainly doubt my choices. Also, most certainly, I know they will be mad. But I don’t know the future. I truly do not. It could be that I might wander for a while and come back to being a proper Hindu with a faith much stronger than ever, or it could be that I find something entirely different that I connect with more. I am certain, however, that I won’t be an atheist. I do believe.
As of right now, I’m trying to understand religion. I’ve read a good chunk of the Bhagavad Gita, and I’ve also been reading the Bible.
There are a ton of things that don’t make sense to me, but I want to understand better. I’m curious. I seek answers, and I will, as I have, keep an open mind.
This issue of the Figuring Things Out newsletter has been more of a personal update than something tactical. I guess I’m figuring something out for myself. I will update you if anything interesting happens, but for now, I’m on this path that (possibly) leads to nowhere, but all I want to do is go there.
I would love to know what your thoughts are on faith, religion, God, or the meaning of life. Do you think there is a point in anything if we are all going to die in the end? Is death even the end?
As always, the best way to reach me is to respond to this email.
Take care, my friend, whoever you are, and wherever you are.
I will catch you next week.
Warmly,
Suraj
